From: durtro Subject: ouch this hurts crystal meth wd day five feels like years.. Date: 1997/05/25 Newsgroups: alt.drugs.hard day five no methamphetamine damn i still feel like i was dropped off of the sears tower only to land on my face like with all withdrawls it feels good for a few minutes now and then and then just when i think it's getting better my body feels totally crushed, damn, it would be so easy just to go score, i can't breathe, everything i mean everything hurts, couldn't get a hardon if you gave me a thousand dollar bill, oh and there is just this hatred of all things moving. so easy to keep doing the shit. doing more isn't the answer, though. must kick it. it sucks. wish i had some good nodding tar, for real, 'cause this just plain hurts, my brain and my body and soul. and this crap about not being able to breathe is anxiety times ten. convulsive yawning tears streaming down my face everytime i yawn so all you proud mf's who say speedmeth is not addictive i say suck poison cause yer a liar. the hook is there, and it is made of glass. this isnt posted through aol so i can say any fucking thing i want for a change. doing what i gotta do, i feel i must do this now, and i hate myself for getting strung again. durt good thing i don't own a gun, 'cause there would be brainpaste all over this fucking monitor. ==================================================================== From: (Durtro) Subject: Re: ouch this hurts crystal meth wd day five feels like years.. Date: 1997/05/26 Newsgroups: alt.drugs.hard In article <338b04fb.1985402@nntp.ix.netcom.com>, violator@large.com (Violator ®) writes: > It's way too hard on >my heart and shit- keep having panic/anxiety attacks when I'm trying >to sleep. no kidding, man. see, the first time i truly kicked speed i used h to do it. this feels alot different, and the panic attacks in the middle of the night really suck bad. what to do, damn, i want to crawl out my skin. at least i got some bud, that offers a distraction from the ugly truth for a little while. pills help but they seem to really only lengthen the process after a point. it's the fade, then the mystery tweek feeling, then the thud, then the fade, then the mystery tweek feeling. insomniac last night. this is, like i said, painful. sorry to hear i'm not alone, glad to hear i'm not alone. nothing but paradoxes. time time time. if it grew on trees i wonder if i would feel so compelled to stop? i just got tired, tired of seeing people all lovey on their shit and then all hateful on the way down or inbetween. seems so very phony. my ex-dealer was providing me with a special cut there near the end, he was in the hole and the product was being diluted. started out raging clean. ended up inbetween. just tired of some of the people, don't like needing anything more complex than a coffee and a cigarette when my feet hit the floor. time to get in charge again. hang tough, the psuedoephedrine does take the edge off the physical, but i can't tolerate the edgy level of anger that it helps to increase, seemingly, for me. hang tough durtpuddle ==================================================================== From: m(Monde Kontrolle) Subject: Re: ouch this hurts crystal meth wd day five feels like years.. Date: 1997/05/28 Newsgroups: alt.drugs.hard Violator & Durtro wrote [...some stuff i can totally relate to about the first week of quitting speed..] i remember all of this from last February. The fucking yawning drove me out of my goddamn mind. i had to spend the first week mostly lying in bed (good books helped, they seemed to take my mind off most of the shit). i know i also had some weird emotional crap going on too, sometimes i'd start busting out crying for no apparent reason. i think i found that more annoying than any of the other stuff that was happening, because i never knew when i would start getting like this. when i got this way the only thing that helped was valium. (pot just made it worse usually.) I quit mostly because I was having a serious problem with there hardly ever being any worthwhile speed around to do. either that or the speed was actually okay (that's what my dealer said, but you know how dealers will bullshit you for a buck!) and i had just developed a tolerance after a couple of years. i knew it was really time to stop though because i just wasn't hanging out with the people i did speed with anymore, including this one guy who did it who i was inordinately attracted to. i got involved with someone else the year i quit and that made a lot of difference. there were a bunch of my friends who didn't do it and time just shifted me around more to hanging out more with them, friends of the 'someone else' (who is now my mate...). i knew they were real friends because they didn't give me any bullshit about quitting speed while i was still on it, they knew that it would just end up irritating me, not make me want to quit more. they never ran any horseshit NA lines on me. they didn't have to. when i quit it was because i was really ready to. most of the really noticeable shit went away after about ten days to two weeks. i had people who used to do speed but quit tell me, though, that it took about six months to really get your energy back. i'd have to say this was about right...the net was a good distraction...just don't expect to write much of anything for maybe a month or two. hang in there, and all that happy horseshit... ==================================================================== From: (Durtro) Subject: Re: nospeed day7 arrghtheboredom.anger.frustration.apathy.hostility.hatred.... Date: 1997/06/04 Newsgroups: alt.drugs.hard In article <341851db.17512403@nntp.ix.netcom.com>, (Violator ®) writes: >Hey, durt- nospeed for you still? i telll you truly i can not lie. i have done some...probably about an "average day's worth" (.25g) over the last. jeesus, ten days? two weeks? i'll have to check dejanews... i think it is helping, 'cause the last couple of times i did it i wished i hadn't, only because it just felt wrong. i didn't like the high, and it was the usual stuff...which is pretty good. it didn't do the same thing, there was no euphoria. none. yuk. i don't consider myself a failure, i'm still working at it. i see regular users regularly, and they sometimes just leave it laying around. too easy to do. too hard not to. i'm sure you understand, man. >Things seem sorta quiet here.....Me, I'm back to my mean ol self. Everything's ok as long as I don't open my mouth. i wish i could say the same, i have so much anger in my friggin mind. instead of verbalizing it i just run it internally, all of the things i want to scream at dumb mf's, especially people who are completely tweaked. hell, they are one of the reasons i wanted to stop, because i wanted to make sure i wasn't as totally screwed up or in denial as they are. they're all still speeding away, up for days at a time, and i know even at my worst i wasn't as big of a selfish jerk as they have been. i can see it clearer now. i have to prove it to myself, y'know? i mean, i can be an asshole like anyone else, worse even regarding certain things i guess. but these mf's are blaming all of their problems on the rest of the world, and their situations, and they don't see how they set it all up. it pisses me off, their phony happiness/apparent niceness when the speed is rolling thru their brains and their hateful misery of each other and the world when they come down. maybe i'll be able to approach them rationally, and calmly, and confidently, when i am free of this drug. maybe they've been leaving it laying around so that will keep me "in kind"...maybe i'll seem more "valid" if i'm clean...that's what i'm really after. i want to be accurate, and yes, even "right" when i confront these twacked out mf's. that's why i'm checking my stuff out. if i'm still spun then i can't be part of the solution, or even helpful, at least from their point of view. and i may sound like i'm full of crap or in deep denial but i tell you there is no way on earth you could tell i was speeding most of the time, except maybe an apparently enthusiastic penchant for cleaning things on occasion. it didn't make me "nice". i'm too used to it. same with acid. i could eat five hits and you wouldn't know it if i didn't tell you. it didn't "change" me that much. it didn't always make me feel ggggrrrrreat, i was doing it more as a habit, or 'cause it was there, than anything else. i am walking around whistling though, more and more, and coming back into my natural self. i actually seem happier i guess, these last few days, than i have in months. weird. > Once I do, nothing but meanness comes out and pisses everyone around me off. > Bad part is that it's non-intentional i know about that. it's like, i really don't want to say this nasty crap but i can't keep it from coming out my mouth, and i hate to hear myself manifest such incredible anger. then i get way way down for being such a total jerk, and really want to get fixed then, even more. yuk. > and all the while I think I'm being a relatively nice guy. Until someone calls me a fuckin asshole or whatever. yeah, i have been called on just being negative. no happy adjectives. "sucks, stupid, gd, mf'n, jerk, butthole, moron," the "c" word, all of that is more likely to roll off my tongue than "nice, good, happy..." etc. and i don't see it until someone calls me a miserable punk. (i despise censorship but must only waltz into grey areas due to my current ISP) > >Uhhh. Nothing like sitting around by yerself all day wishing you had drugs. i do that about the same as i did when i had drugs...there was never enough. the crys was making me "normal" and the only time i could really get off was if i smoked some weed, which is harder to find here in PHX than the other, or even H. so i would have a bunch of pow and be wanting weed. or i'd be too spun and i'd want a klonnie to chill. there was always something else to want, that's another reason why i wanted to stop. it wasn't enough, even when i was knee deep. damn, i wish i had a bong hit now, fer crissakes! rather that than a line.... > The lil devil on me shoulder keeps saying "heheheh, wednesday's your b-day. happy b-day! really! you know, that may be the day you start to get back into your true nature. it was about ten days for me...when i started to feel kinda ok again without it. > perfect excuse to go see the man & score a quarter just for fun!" i know, but really Violator, did we ever need an excuse? > and the dreaded voice of reason "well, sounds ok to me!" yup. but really, never needed an excuse. >The last time I had stuff from that source, he happened to have some >of the best speed I've ever experienced. Some of you will be able to >relate to this: Light brown in color, slightly damp. Smelled really >yummy (to a speedfreak). i've had some matchead peanutbutter in my time, is that about right? ether based? > One little mini-line and about 2 seconds >later a heavy "sigh of relief" caused by the orgasmic brain numbing >pleasure blast you are turning me on....where's that pager number? > The physical side was pretty forgiving, too. The guy >says he can get almost $200 !!(yeah right, in So.Cal.?) for an 8ball. >I dunno bout that. I think he was gonna try to make me think that >$150 was a killer deal or something. Yeah, sounds like typical >drugdealer bullshit to me. Funny, during all of this "nothing (that I >want) to do" boredom, it's all I really think about. Come to think of >it, that's mostly what I think of when I'm busy too. >Busy doing what? Getting up, going to work, listening to music, >looking at porno on my pc (& related physical activities), washing my >car, sounds like a reasonable schedule, namely mine, he he heee! >showering (only when it's _really_ necessary), very unusual for me, normally a two shower a day man, but i have gone two days plus without a shower or a look in the mirror since working at getting off the stuff. i shave my head and face, and it's been seen quite stubbly every few days or so, since i have been falling out at weird times, and sleeping long during the day, nighttime peppered with three hour bouts of anxiety, and extreme hunger, and the wants wants i want something! anything! hell, i've even been smokin angel trumpet. going to bed, >sleeping, _dreaming_ (sux when you dream of getting high). <- repeat >over and over. >Makes me wonder alot about what I the hell I'm supposed to be >accomplishing throughout all of this anyway. Get stuck in a rut doing >the same damn thing every day while avoiding getting fucked up by >accidents, disease, IRS, my work, broken down cars, rent, bad dope, >assholes, thieves, scammers, car insurance, people that can't fuckin >drive (Fountain Valley\garden grove\westminster mean anything to >anyone?), slow PC's w/full hard drives etc etc bitchbitchbitch. i know. why deny ourselves anything when the bomb could blow up tomorrow, why try to be better...when it is so easily taken away...but we must remain at least illusory masters of our own fate. i think that's what it is for me. the illusion that i control anything is important to me, it is important for me to believe i am not as screwed up as the people i see spinning around me. i have to prove this to myself. that's why i'm willing to suffer through this. and think how low my physical tolerance will be when i go back to it full-time (at some point in the future...most likely). this is a sabbatical. my last sabbatical lasted eleven years. we'll see how long this one lasts... >How do YOU spell relief? M-E-T-H-A-M-P-H-E-T-A-M-I-N-E, of course... but you knew that. hell, wish i had a klonnie now...the vacuum cleaner bag was changed, maybe in the waterbed frame? maybe a klonnie and a beer or two, hmm. not gonna call the meth man tho. screw him. hope this helps? .