From: pez@manhattan.com (Gizmo)
Subject: The Problems Staying Clean >AFTER< The Detox (Expanded Version)
Date: 1996/09/03
newsgroups: alt.drugs.hard

Since there have been a bunch of posts about kicking dope or meth, I
thought I would post this again.  Hope it helps someone

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
        If, after going through withdrawal, detox, rehab etc.,  you find
        yourself the same "sorry ass, useless piece of shit" you were before
        you quit, then you're going to have a hell of a time staying clean!
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

But if we don't take offense to it, then it cuts right to the chase.

Let's forget, just for a moment, the exceptions for whom this
statement may not apply.  That would be people who may already have
been very motivated.  People who where not anti-social, or people who
just plain like the high.  Of course, we all, "just plain like the
high," but I'm trying to have this make sense.  It's interesting, that
people who don't fall into the shy, low self-esteem, lack of
confidence category are also more often than not, people who don't
usually get totally addicted either.  Anyone know what I mean?  I'm
having a tad of trouble making the distinction work.

A lot of people who get into "hard drugs" in a heavy way, often admit
they have "self-esteem" problems.  We have all heard this, or felt it
ourselves.  It comes out in phrases like,

"Well, I use it because it makes me feel stronger and less afraid."

"It gives me confidence."

"The high I get is reliable, unlike people, whom I can't trust!"

"Before I started using, I was very shy and scared, couldn't get laid
etc."

I think that we all have done the detox and than wondered why we
relapsed over and over again?  Well, when you are back to being clean
again, you also notice that, voila, it's the same old you again.
Yuck, is the honest response.  "God I hate myself straight.  Shit I
can't deal with anything like this, I'm too uptight.  How am I going
to deal with members of the opposite sex?  I'm too shy to try to talk
to a woman or a guy.  I'm such a loser, etc."

We all have this shit going on to one degree or another.  Even if you
were what they call a very "functional addict," to some extent being
straight brings you face to face with...none other than...YOU.  GASP!

You gotta face it, if you really abuse drugs or alcohol, you can't
like yourself too much.  Not that folks who don't do drugs or alcohol
are at peace with themselves, but for us it's a crisis.

And the best way we can deal with crisis is to get mellow man.  Wow,
man.  Cool, fresh, shit's on, no what I'm saying, sit?

So it may seem like all of a sudden your living with a fucking alien
inside your head, but you just gotta try to remember what you felt and
thought of yourself before you got started.  Then, you gotta do
something about it.

Do what?  Well, that's probably another post.  But like they would say
in NA/AA or any good TC (Therapeautic Community,) you have to start
confronting your fears and inadequacies.  It's going to suck, and your
going to hate it, cause it's gonna feel very uncomfortable, but if you
can work on it and produce some changes, you will have a much better
chance of staying clean.  Much better.  Not 100% guaranteed, but fuck,
nothing ever is.  Well, nothing except dying and taxes, Ha ha ha.

The more you can do in terms of getting, first to accept yourself,
than getting to like yourself and finally loving yourself, the better
chance you have.  And this is also where a good aftercare program can
be invaluable.  A good program, a good therapist, NA/AA, whatever
floats your boat.

Cause if you just return detoxed to being the same joe or jane you
were before you started using, your little joe or janeself is going to
have a spike in your hand in notime.  I mean, hey, why not?  Little
joe or jane got you to pick up a spike the first time, so why wouldn't
this "enemy" want you to cop for him/her again?  He just wants to get
a little high, right?  How fucking innocent.

Gizmo

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