(The first time I  performed this was on the Dhu Gillywhack; I claimed it was based off Tolwynn talking in his sleep when he'd had a bit too much to drink one eve.  He'd no idea this song existed and definitely no idea I intended to perform it.  The look on his face was priceless....)

Kobolds to the left of me, and kobolds to the right--
It's bad enough by day, but now they're snuggling up at night.
Oh this is unbelievable, how could this ever be?
I'm due to wed a Lady, but a kobold's after me.

I think the trouble started with my box of tinkly tunes.
A little porcelain kobold dances when the musics play--
I laughed at her-- I only laughed, you wretched kobold loons,
I'd sooner cut my head off than admire a kob that way!

That's the only thing I know that could have riled the beast--
They call her High Mukt Queen, but Ick's her given kobold name.
She came paradin' up to me and said, 'Want kobold feast?'
I shoved her off-- she leered at me, and back again she came.

'Come with me, I keep you good, and cuddle every day.'
She batted clumpy lashes like a grotesque little flirt.
Stricken dumb with horror, I couldn't think of what to say.
She tackled my left ankle, and I fell into the dirt.

Now, there's a lovely Lady who's agreed to be my bride.
Her eyes are violet sapphires, raven black her braided hair--
The Mukt Queen's lovelorn gaze brought nausea to rise inside.
'By Sea and Storm!  Push off, willya?  I'm marryin' elsewhere!'

'Blargh!' said Mukt Queen Ick, 'That wedding never come to be!'
'Now look here, I'm THE MAGE, and I'm a great important Lord.
Go off and find some warrior-kob, something your love might please.'
She slunk away, but shot me parting glance like one adored.

I'd true hoped the brush-off'd be the last I'd hear of that
But kobolds started stalking me whene'er I left the gate.
They whispered foulness to me till I cast and dropped them flat--
They claimed I held some lewd desire that only Ick could sate.

A few fellow adventurers were lookin' odd at me,
And so I went to tell my love before things turned towards worse.
'Lady-star, it's not my fault!  I swear by Storm and Sea!'
She laughed for nearly half an hour while I had kobs to curse.

Roa'ter menace in Varunar hardly seemed a fear
Beside the thought that amorous kobolds might be creepin' near.
I stopped along the path to pet a rolton that'd strayed--
And sudden found myself inside a net the kobs had made.

Fifty kobolds round me chortling wi' unholy glee!
Scampering quick as rats, they bound my hands to halt my spells.
Then High Mukt Queen, the Ick herself, came saunterin' up to me
And her kobold minions dragged me off as I cursed 'em to all hells.

Oh lady-love, I hope you realize soon I've strayed too long--
I'm far too low in Voln's esteem to call with thought or Need.
It's dark as Lord Kai's armpit here, the smell is ghastly strong,
And all the kobolds say at morning wedding rites proceed.

Never underestimate the strength of love's sweet grace--
Not even when it's kobold-ugly gazin' towards your face.
'Blargh!  I'se aim for you!' Ick cried out, mongrel-faced and horned...
...well, think three times before you reckon wi' a maid you've scorned.