Elanthia's Most "Unfortunate" Items
As well as listing
the Hall of Shame items, I do take care to explain why something qualifies
as Hall of Shame. Ninety-nine percent of the time, it isn't enough for
something to be ugly or fail to match my own personal preferences.
To enter the Hall of Shame, it must fit one of these categories:
1. violate
one of the standard alteration rules,
2. have a
blatant typo or grammar error in the description visible from a distance,
or
3. be literally
impossible-- such as a sleeveless dress that proceeds to talk about the embroidery
on the sleeves, or
4. be illogical--
not technically impossible, but at the bare minimum, confusing, strange, and
vague, or
5. be part
of that last one percent that I simply can't resist including despite not
technically violating any rules.
If you run across
a truly "impressive" item that you'd like to suggest here, by all means,
let me know
. However, inclusion on this list will be wholly at my discretion.
Under no circumstances will the names of owners or designers be included,
though you may wind up spotting a few of them in daily life.
A few of these are not altered, but sold as standard design by merchants. A few of them were sold and then later fixed, which is commendable. As for those that weren't fixed, well... GameMasters are busy people, and it's hard to track down and fix an item if the owner doesn't request that it be fixed. I'm including 'em anyway.
If you find an item of yours on this list... or an item of a friend's... please understand that this is not personal-- my intent is to demonstrate some examples of unacceptable alterations that somehow made it past the GameMasters along with an explanation of why the items are unacceptable. A few more thoughts on Hall of Shame inclusion are here .
a wispy lace veil hanging from a circlet of white
orchids plaited into her hair
Category 1: violates a standard alteration rule
This item will look fascinating as soon as a man's
wearing it or holding it... or even just in a container or on the ground.
his nicely trimmed sandy blonde beard and moustache
Category 1: violates a standard alteration rule
This item will look fascinating as soon as a woman
's wearing it or holding it... or even just in a container or on the ground.
a tattered leather satchel with the word "HERBS"
scrawled in his own blood across the side
Category 1: violates a standard alteration rule
Personally, I can't recognize the owner of a particular
bloodstain on sight... to say nothing of how odd this will look if a woman
owns it. (She could always explain the male blood by saying it was the
blood of an ex-lover who jilted her, but it would leave a lot of people wondering
about her gender anyway.)
an heirloom silver lion talisman
This rare talisman has been hand-crafted from pure
flawless silver and fashioned into the shape of a roaring lion with shimmering
violet diamond eyes. The regal lion is clutching a beautiful rose with tiny
violet diamonds glistening among its petals like drops of dew on a beautiful
dawn morning. Each diamond seems to shimmer in a unique way, as if they
were singing the melody of an ancient sylvani battle hymn.
Category 1: violates a standard alteration rule
I'm afraid that, on further consideration, the diamonds
do not seem to shimmer as if they were singing an ancient sylvani battle hymn
after all.
a full-length warcloak studded with onyx runes of
destruction
Category 1: violates a standard alteration rule
Runes are small and typically fairly unimpressive
symbols. I'll grant you studded with onyx runes if you really want
it (though I wish you didn't) but expecting everyone to recognize the onyx
runes of destruction is going over the top-- even if it weren't standard
alteration policy not to do symbols of this, sigils of that, and runes of
the other thing.
a dark leather wand belt etched with shadowy
runes of Jastev which seem to pulse with power from within
Category 1: violates a standard alteration rule
Oddly, the "runes of Jastev" don't bother and amuse
me quite as much as other runes do-- it seems not that unreasonable that servants
of Jastev would have a runic language between themselves, seeing that he
is the God of foresight, divination, and so forth. But-- how does everyone
in Elanthia recognize these runes? This without even starting to touch
on the pulsing with power from within... pulsing belts are a thing I stay
far, far away from.
a shimmering golden rolaren falchion etched with
ancient runic symbols of death and destruction that glow and pulsate with
every beat of your heart
Category 1: violates many standard alteration
rules
I wish I were joking, but I'm not. This item
is absolutely real, even if it looks like something I'd craft as a parody.
I can't understand why small children don't run after the owner in the street
in order to point and laugh.
a fine ivory altar cloth bearing sylvan holy runes
surrounding a sacred vine-wrapped dagger
Categories 1 and 4: violates a standard alteration
rule and illogical and vague
I'm not quite sure whether the dagger is an actual
second object or an image on the cloth. Either way, the concept of
sylvan holy runes must go.
some ancient stone grey battle-leathers
The ancient leather has been polished to a fine sheen.
Dark Elven runes of power and might have been stitched into the torso and
breast of the leathers. Hand sewn along the arms and legs of this battle-leather
are the names of cities and generals that have been devastated and defeated
by the bearer of these leathers.
Categories 1 and 4: violates a standard alteration
rule and illogical and vague
Beyond the obvious issue of Dark Elven runes of power
and might, there is the idea that cities and generals have been destroyed
by the wearer, and that the stitching on these leathers would change every
time someone else put it on. I can't help wondering what it would read
for Tanager, as she's devastated no cities and defeated no generals... probably
list things like "the stock of Ellonwy's wagon" and "a lot of terrible alterations"
and "several Bardfest judges" and "half of Anwyn castle".
a sinister black cloak with strange red marks that
appear to be bloodstains at first but resolve into hideous runes that bespeak
words of death and terrible agony
Categories 1 and 5: violates a standard alteration
rule and couldn't resist
First off, there's the issue with the strange red
marks appearing to be bloodstains and resolving into words... and then...
words of death and terrible agony, hmm? What... like... "terribly burnt
muffins", and, "Burzmalli!", and, "Briars, I must kiss your nose!"?
an antique vultite wall shield
This large shield has been expertly crafted by elven
metalsmiths. Forged from strong vultite and edged with blackened eahnor, five
razor sharp veil iron tipped spikes had been forged to create a protective
face guard when blocking blows. Silver runes of power and destruction
are carefully etched on the outer edge of the shield and emblazoned in the
center is the image of a roaring white dragon captured in mid-flight.
Categories 1 and 5: violates a standard alteration
rule and couldn't resist
Silver runes of power and destruction? Also,
the idea of razor edged spikes protecting your face is a laugh.
One good hard shove from your enemy, and... slash... no more face.
a ruby-edged black rolaren backsword etched with
dark elven runes of destruction
Categories 1 and 5: violates a standard alteration
rule and couldn't resist
I read dark elven runes? (Actually, I do, theoretically,
being dark elven and all, but what about everyone else?)
Also... destruction of what? I rather
like the idea that they might be runes of mysteriously lousy breakage...
in short, runes of poorly altered backsword destruction.
a deep black ancient elven cloak stitched with blood
red death runes in glistening veniom thread and clasped at the neck by a polished
black opal Phoen symbol
Categories 1 and 5: violates a standard alteration
rule and couldn't resist
Ah, death runes, which I mysteriously understand and
recognize... and does anyone else note the painful discrepancy between the
cloak and the clasp?
an ancient krodera shield plated with elven storm
runes surrounding a hammered Niima crest
Categories 1 and 5: violates a standard alteration
rule and couldn't resist
This is a case in which the customer and the merchant
had a bit of a struggle, and, by the time the merchant was happy, the customer
later regretted the design. Elven storm runes violate the alteration
rules, and as for the crest... in the words of the shield's original designer...
"oh dear, poor Niima, she's hammered again."
a steaming zombie
Category 2: typo
According to the owner, it's supposedly a drink, and
ought to be "a steaming Zombie". He has far too much fun with the alternative.
a wearbear skin backpack
Category 2: typo
I like the image, even if it's ridiculous. I
wish they growled... better yet, I wish they didn't exist.
a midnight black first mate's tri-cornered pierat
hat with the symbol of Charl emblazoned on the brim
Category 2: typo
Pierat, hmm? Spike's less impressive cousin?
a gold-trimmed dove grey shield with a depiction
of V-Tull glowering over a dead drake
Category 2: typo
V-Tull?
an eonake falchion inlaid with holy symbols of Koar,
and dwarf-cut rubies set into the gold hilt
Category 2: grammatical error
With one exception in DragonRealms (certain dancing
skirts), I've never seen a comma yet in an outer description that couldn't
have been done far better without the comma. In this case, not only
is the comma distracting, but the phrase after the comma has no business
being there-- this isn't a run-on sentence, quite, but it's certainly a run-on
object. A grammatically correct version would be "an eonake falchion
with dwarf-cut rubies set into the gold hilt and a blade inlaid with holy
symbols of Koar".
a flowing grey silk cape with shimmering woodland
green hues blended into the delicate weave, with an emerald clasp
Category 2: grammatical error
Revenge of the misplaced comma part II. A grammatically
correct version would be "an emerald-clasped flowing grey silk cape with shimmering
woodland green hues blended into the delicate weave".
some sleek doeskin body-armor of purest white, sprinkled
with shimmering gold dust
Category 2: grammatical error
"Some purest white body-armor of sleek doeskin sprinkled
with shimmering gold dust". Once more, the comma must die.
an ancient elven kilt, deep ruby in color with a
thatched golden weave, fastened with a silver musical note
Category 2: grammatical error
Actually, this is technically grammatically correct.
However, I really hate commas in item descriptions-- call it a pet peeve.
If I recall correctly, the guidelines for premium alterations prohibit use
of any punctuation in an outer description, which I favor entirely.
While it would have been difficult to describe both the thatched golden
weave and the silver musical note on an outer description, the best alternative
for this kilt really would have been to go for a show description-- leave
it as "an ancient elven kilt" or "a ruby and gold thatched-weave kilt" (or
something in the same vein) and then go on in marvelous detail in the close-up
description about how it really looks.
a darkened weapons harness
The harness' details are obscured, it blends in with
the wearer's apparel and the shadows of the night. A slight scent of
death fills your nostrils as you lean too close.
Categories 2 and 4: spelling and grammatical errors
and illogical and vague
The first sentence of the show is a run-on sentence;
beyond that, it automatically presumes a wearer and automatically presumes
that it is currently nighttime.
a tiara made of small blue dreamstones to which
delicate white lace is attached to and sprinkled with blue moondust
Categories 2 and 5: grammatical error and couldn't
resist
The second "to" is unnecessary-- and the blue moondust
is odd at the least, as I've never seen such anywhere else in Elanthia.
I would presume it's intended to be blue moonstone dust, but I'm not a fan
of sprinkling or dusting possessions with ground-up jewels-- it's a waste
of perfectly good gems, and the dust comes off in smears on everything it
touches.
some shimmering body armor providing maximum protection
with minimal coverage, enhanced with golden moonstones on the bodice
Categories 2 and 5: grammatical error and couldn't
resist
The errors in this item are left as an exercise for
the student. I imagine it won't take long.
a midnight blue warriors cape.
You see a hand-sewn warrior's cape lined with white
fur which is clasped at the neck by a tiny ruby angel linked chain. The brilliant
blue cape shimmers like the night sky and is covered with golden stars and
silvery cresent moons that appear to shimmer in the light.
Categories 2, 4, and 5: typo, illogical and vague,
and couldn't resist
There should be an apostrophe in "warriors" on the
outside-- it's a possessive. Also, "cresent" on the inside should be
"crescent".
More importantly than the typo, however... I suspect
this cloak did more to make merchants say "no professions, please" than anything
else. What on earth makes this a warrior's cloak? Most of the
warriors I know would croak and die before wearing this for even five seconds.
a ruby-clasped spidersilk cloak
You see a cloak of the finest craftmanship, clasped
at the neck with a carved ruby skull. The eyes of the skull have been meticulously
crafted to give the illusion of a glow, and tiny fangs protrude from the
jaw, glistening. The fabric of the cloak is smooth and fluid, and stitched
with strange silver runes. Upon the inner lining of the cloak it reads: "May
the Brethren of the Night live forever in the nightmares of mortal men."
Categories 2, 4 and 5: grammar error, vague, and couldn't
resist
Grammar errors galore-- the comma in the first sentence
shouldn't be there at all, the word "glistening" should be after the word
"tiny", the third sentence needs a complete rework, and the fourth should
start, "The inner lining of the cloak reads" rather than the rather mixed-up
contraption of language currently tacked into place.
Without further explanation, I have no idea how these
eyes were crafted to "give the illusion of a glow". Do they glow, or
do they not glow? Hard to make an illusionary glow....
As for the last-- I've asked around among mortal men,
and I can confirm that the Brethren of Night do not live in the nightmares
of mortal men, or at least not those of all mortal men. Poor despondent
tailor.
an embossed veniom shield
The veniom shield is embossed with the golden image
of the goddess Oleani standing atop a towering snow-capped mountain.
Surrounded by shimmering stars, she looks down upon a wide silver river
flowing through a verdant valley filled with every creature imaginable.
Category 3: literally impossible
Images of every creature imaginable simply don't fit
on a shield, no matter how tiny you make them. I can imagine
an amazing multitude of creatures, to say nothing of the rest of Elanthia's
citizens.
a mysterious deep-black magician's shield edged
in gleaming brimstone
Category 4: illogical
Brimstone doesn't gleam. Brimstone is what happens
when lightning strikes sand-- a flaky, sort of porous rock. It smells,
and typically doesn't last long.
a veniom-worked jewel pouch
The pouch is overstuffed with large sparkling gems
and you see the edge of a black diamond protruding from the opening.
Category 4: illogical
This is the pouch of never-ending jewels. Even
when it's completely empty, you'll still see the illusionary jewels inside
if you look at it... to say nothing of the illusionary black diamond that
the poor pickpockets can't walk off with.
a small leather pouch with the sigil of the local
merchant's guild worked in precise veniom stitches on the flap
Category 4: illogical
Clearly, the sigil worked on the flap of this pouch
shifts every time you enter a different city....
some elven cavalry armor chased with deep ruby threads
swirling with arcane musical notes
Category 4: illogical and vague
Check me if I'm wrong: this armor is playing music?
a coronet of white puma fur interlaced with strands
of rubies and delicate white tea-roses
Category 4: illogical and vague
A coronet, technically, is sort of a crown thing--
not something you could easily craft from puma fur. I think the word
this person secretly wanted but didn't use was something more like "headdress",
though I'm not even sure on that part.
a romantically soft gown of the sheerest black spidersilk
with a low heart-shaped bodice trimmed in tiny golden moonstones gracefully
slit from thigh to hem
Category 4: illogical and vague
If you read this description through a couple times,
you'll probably realize that, based on word order, the moonstones are very,
very long-- because the moonstones are slit from thigh to hem. A bit
of rearranging could help with this, but the best thing to do would be a show
description.
a traditional dark elven-cut cloak
Category 4: illogical and vague
Is this a dark cloak cut in an elven style, or a cloak
cut in a dark-elven style? Either way, I'm surely pleased to see tradition
is being followed.
a golden Navigator's compass
This compass appears as if it might find all paths,
seen and unseen.
Category 4: illogical and vague
That's all very well and good... but what does it
actually look like? How do I recognize a compass that finds
all things, seen and unseen? (Perhaps there's a tiny inscription....)
a soft black and silver tartan draped carefully
over the left shoulder and held in place by an elven dragon clasp
Category 4: illogical and vague
Is the dragon elven, or is the clasp elven?
Either way, this object's going to look a bit odd if it's ever inside a cloak
or on the ground.
a nightmare black leather jacket embroidered with
the image of a stone altar sitting in an open field with a six tentacled
star on a field of grey etched into its surface with glistening dark silver
thread
Category 4: illogical and vague
I've never seen anything etched with thread-- stitched,
embroidered, certainly and all very well, but not etched.
some baggy orange pants with the left leg pulled
up and bunched just below the knee
Category 4: illogical and vague
What... these pants don't un-bunch when you take them
off?
a skillfully crafted willow moon sceptre capped
by a small kitten pouncing over a silver crescent moon that seems to be chasing
the tiny silver stars which adorn the handle
Category 4: illogical and vague
Is the kitten chasing the stars, or is the moon chasing
the stars? The grammar is fairly unclear. Beyond that... what's
a moon sceptre, and how do I recognize one when I see it? If it just
means "a sceptre capped with a crescent moon", isn't this rather redundant?
an elven-fashioned veniom inlaid black scroll case
carefully stitched with the image of a shooting star which holds its contents
from plain sight
Category 4: illogical and vague
The last phrase is... odd. Is it hiding or concealing
them, and is it the star, or the case? In fact, what is it doing there
at all? Bleah!
a blackened leather weapon harness
Blackened by dye or perhaps by fire, the harness is
stitched with angular runes in crimson thread the color of fresh blood.
The runes are not raised, but instead are sunk into the leather as if slashed
there, and though their exact meaning is unknown, their intent is clear.
A clasp engraved with tiny intaglio figures, their limbs contorted in agony
or joy, fastens the harness at the shoulder.
Category 4: vague and illogical
"and though their exact meaning is unknown, their
intent is clear." Clearly, these are runes of nifty dancing, based
on those tiny contorted figures... no, I'm afraid not. It's better
to tell an onlooker what an item is like than to riddle the viewer on the
matter, and it's far better to show what an item is like than to do
either.
some dark clothing embroidered with an exquisite
black rose
Category 4: vague
What kind of dark clothing? This could be anything
from a skirt and bodice to a shirt and trousers to a cloak and socks....
an old weathered gray cloak lined with an odd cloth
so dark it appears to be woven of shadow or cut from the fabric of Fear itself
Category 4: vague
I would have thought that this odd cloth was... well...
dyed very dark, myself. I suppose I'm unimaginative.
a tattered black necropriest's cloak that is so
dark it seems to be cut from the fabric of death itself
Category 4: vague
The older brother of the prior ghastly cloak.
What sort of fabric is death, anyway? (I know, I know... it's probably
a glitzier version of nightsilk... whatever that is.)
a silver-trimmed black silk cloak embroidered with
the sleepy gaze of Ronan
Category 4: vague
I presume that the owner intended this cloak to be
embroidered with an image of Ronan looking sternly sleepy as he is described
in the deity documents. However, gazes are highly immaterial things,
and difficult to depict bereft of their owners.
a massive serpentine shaped tower shield encrusted
with red rubies
Categories 4 and 5: illogical and vague and couldn't
resist
This shield might be serpent shaped or serpentine,
but it is very unlikely to be serpentine shaped, as serpentine (when used
as a noun) refers to a greenish stone used decoratively in architecture.
It's even highly unlikely that it's serpent shaped or serpentine as well,
as tower shields are usually rectangular. (I'll grant massive.
Tower shields are huge.)
As for the "couldn't resist" factor... red rubies,
hmm? I'm prone to using color whenever possible-- but nothing more
innovative came to mind? Rubies are red by default-- fire red, scarlet,
crimson, carmine, blood red, any of those... but describing rubies as red
in an alteration is like describing sapphires as blue, emeralds as green,
or amethysts as violet: sure, they might be other colors, but it's
rather unlikely.
a black alloy mesh cloak emblazoned with the deep
red veniom insignia of the dreaded Luukosian Dark Knights
Categories 4 and 5: illogical and vague and couldn't
resist
Good grief. Not only don't I dread them, I've
never even heard of them. For all I know, they're the sweet and
cuddly Luukosian Dark Knights, or the perennially sleepy Luukosian Dark Knights,
or the falling-down-drunk Luukosian Dark Knights....
a ceremonial Sylvan belly chain from which cascades
hundreds of tiny silver and gold hymeneal bells
Category 5: couldn't resist
Sylvans have ceremonial belly chains?
a snow white cloak trimmed in icy-blue with a large
red cross stitched on the back
Category 5: couldn't resist
This is an innately modern reference, and really does
not belong in Elanthia.
an enruned silver serpent ring fashioned to coil
about the finger
Category 5: couldn't resist
As opposed to fashioned to coil about... what?
It is a ring, after all!
a gleaming suit of full plate made of pure silver
Category 5: couldn't resist
Think about how heavy this would be... and how poorly
it would protect. Very pretty-- but completely and utterly impractical.
a cloud blue doeskin wolf's pack adorned with the
image of a frost eyed wolf on the flap and tiny silver snowflakes dangling
from the edges
Category 5: couldn't resist
What on earth is a wolf's pack? Also... it ought
to be a frost-eyed wolf; otherwise, it's technically grammatically equally
likely that this shows a wolf being eyed by a piece of frost. Beyond
those two problems, though, it's rather pretty. (My thanks to Nofret
for pointing out the second problem.)
a dark red ruby tart divination staff capped with
a carved sandstone and ruby cherry tart
Category 5: couldn't resist
A "tart divination staff"? Theoretically, everyone
looking at this staff instantly recognizes its purpose-- which is not, despite
how much many halflings might love to have it, a reasonable idea. A
concept like this should be dramatized through roleplay (best option) or hidden
in a show description (slightly better option). It would never occur
to me that the purpose of a staff was to divine the location and nature of
tarts (or to predict the future of tarts, or to predict the future with
tarts-- I'm still not sure which) no matter what it was topped with...
some fitted leathers colorfully embossed with tortured
faces pressing out from body innards
Category 5: couldn't resist
Bleah!
some high-cuffed black leather deckman's boots with
a sharp dagger strapped neatly to each and large silver buckles
Category 5: couldn't resist
GemStone III could have a Hall of Shame category all
to itself called "One Item Only, Please". I see a lot of altered items
when I look around that really aren't a single altered item but are an attempt
to stuff two items, three items, four items together-- socks and shoes stuck
together, belts and pants stuck together, and so forth. I'm still utterly
lost as to why.
a mottled gold and dark green leather tunic with
a deep brown belt cinching the waist overlaying dark green spider silk pants
Category 6: One Item Only, Please
No comment.
And a cameo contribution... the following item and the the detailed analysis of its problems were contributed entirely by Lady Nofret.
some red and gold leathers
Charged into the breastplate of the armor in a field
of purpure, rests a golden theorbo in the sinister. Resting in the upper
third of the field, is the cadency of the Second Militia, differenced by
the personal arms of [name deleted]. The lower quarter of the escutcheon,
bears the wrym of Ta'Vaalor rampant gardant.
Categories 2, 3 and 4: Violates a cardinal rule of
grammar, literally impossible and illogical
Heraldically, this is a total mess.
First off, the comma in the first sentence is unnecessary, though that is by far the least of this item's problems.
Since the heraldic term "purpure" is used for the field of the blazon, and since the heraldic term "sinister" is used to indicate the placement of the theorbo on the left side of the blazon, why in the name of Liabo is the theorbo a "golden" theorbo? It should be a "theorbo or," in the interest of consistency.
The "cadency of the Second Militia" makes no sense. "Cadency" is a very specific term regarding markings that refer to birth order in a family. A second son might have a crescent on his coat of arms, a third son a star, fourth son a bird, and so on. You cannot have a cadency of a military group, though you can certainly have a coat of arms of a military group or organization.
Nor can you have an "upper third" and "lower quarter". It makes no sense to have an upper THIRD and a lower QUARTER on the same coat of arms. For that matter, according to a friend of mine who is an ex-SCA herald, referring to a lower quarter is completely incorrect. Shields are not divided into horizontal and vertical. You could refer to a first quarter or a fourth quarter and be accurate, but you cannot refer to an upper or lower quarter.
I think that the heraldic animal is supposed to be a wyrm, not a wrym. However, the emblem of Ta'Vaalor is a wyvern--a winged two-legged dragon with a barbed tail. Wyrms are large, legless dragons, rather like gigantic snakes.
According to my friend, the ex-SCA herald, you can't have an animal "rampant gardant." You certainly can't have a wyrm rampant. In heraldry, "rampant" refers to an animal standing on its left hind foot with its forelegs in the air. Since a wyrm doesn't HAVE any legs, I don't see how it could possibly be rearing on its hind legs with its forelegs in the air. Even a two-legged wyvern would have problems with that.
"Gardant" should be spelled "guardant," first of all. Then--oh dear--guardant, in heraldry, means "depicted with the body sideways and the face toward the viewer." So this poor wyrm is supposedly rearing on its nonexistent legs with its nonexistent forelegs in the air, its body sideways and its face toward the viewer. Nice trick!
Finally, an "escutcheon" is NOT a breastplate decorated with a small shield depicting the coat of arms of a family. An escutcheon is a shield bearing a coat of arms.
...and a thank you to Nofret for drawing this item and its many problems
to my attention.
a pair of bloodstained wh boots
Category 2: typo
a soft leather long cloak embroidered in emerald
with the outline of an angel in mid flight with her wings flapping to the
tune of the wind with a holy look on her face
Categories 2 and 4: typo and couldn't resist
"mid flight" should be "mid-flight".
..."her wings flapping to the tune of the wind" heads
too far into the realm of poetry and past it into the realm of the silly.
In a frozen image, an angel's wings don't flap, hopefully-- a flying angel,
fine, an angel with outspread wings, fine, an angel in mid-flight, fine, but
flapping is a bit much.
an eight-sided oval shield
Category 3: literally impossible
Octagonal, or oval? I suspect the word the creator
was after was something more in the vein of "oblong"-- indicating that this
eight-sided shield is not equilateral. Still.
a thick cambrinth armband made of braided silver
and inlaid with raw jade
Category 3: literally impossible
Interestingly enough, "cambrinth" is not synonymous
with "magical". If it's made of braided silver and inlaid with raw
jade, there isn't any cambrinth involved in the item at all!
a cleverly designed Elothean weapon's harness depicting
the Elothean people utilizing their arcane lore to enhance their fighting
prowess and defeat their enemies
Category 4: illogical and vague
I still haven't figured out precisely what the Elotheans
are doing in this picture, or precisely how much detail I can see on a weapons
harness as I walk quickly past. Anything drawn on a weapons harness
is going to be fairly small-- it's a miracle I can even see they're Elothean.
Also, I'll grant you some Elothean people on your harness, if you push me--
but-- all of them? The entire Elothean people? Wow.
a silver medallion with twenty-three tiny amethysts
outlining a silhouette of Meraud
Category 5: couldn't resist
I counted twenty-three amethysts from a distance?
Just looks like "lots" or perhaps "two dozen" to me. Also, I probably
couldn't recognize Kssarh's silhouette when outlined with amethysts, let
alone a deity I've never met and seen only rarely outside a lot of wolf images.
Outlining in gems is not a fine art.
a dusky rose satin gown overlaid with wisps of soft
chiffon and gathered at the waist by a deep rose velvet ribbon that flares
in the back and forms an enormous bow resting at rump-height
Category 5: couldn't resist
Personally, I hope this gown was a joke that somehow
made it past a joke and into reality.
Lady Brownyng
has some particularly interesting things to say about butt-bows when discussing
the proper design of wedding gowns.
a raven-black silk wand belt studded with
sable pearls suspending a hand-carved wooden paddle inscribed with the letters
"[name deleted]"
Category 5: couldn't resist
Yes, I'm afraid there really is a warrior mage running
around with a paddle inscribed with the letters of his name affixed to his
belt. Also, by the way this item is designed, the pearls are technically
suspending the paddle. This is possible, I suppose, but strange.
a teeny pinky wedding ring with a fae embracing
a platinum dragon dreamily
Category 5: couldn't resist
Technically, there's nothing wrong with this item
save perhaps the word "teeny". "Teeny" and "cutsy" might as well be
synonymous. I suppose you could simply brand "14 Years Old" on your
forehead... but why would you want to? I don't understand why this
item made it past quality control (or, in fact, why almost any of the items
on this page made it past quality control), but I do know that I'm sorry
that it did.
a spidersilk backpack fancifully shrouded in misty
white stitching and kissed with diamond dust
Category 5: couldn't resist
I suspect that this item was caused at least in part
by somebody picking up a thesaurus or a book of romantic poetry without understanding
that a little of that sort of thing goes a long way. Since the stitching
in question is presumably on the backpack, it's difficult for the backpack
to be "enshrouded" (shut off from sight; screened;
dictionary.com
) by misty white stitching without the misty white stitching encircling
the backpack entirely like great sheets of spiderweb. As for "kissed
with diamond dust"-- I've already expressed my personal distaste for dusting
things with crushed gem powder, but I'll go a step beyond that to say that
"kissed" is far too vague a word for this. Sprinkled; covered; dusted
; fine. Kissed? Next thing you'll be talking about spidersilk
so pink it appears to have been cut from the very fabric of Pure Love (see
above
.)
some bright green powder.
Overall, its a pretty normal powder. A label
on the front shows the words, "Zelka Oran - 0 Uses Left" in a stylized script.
Category 5: couldn't resist
This is a dubious item, not a dubious alteration.
The interesting part about the matter (besides the difficulty of labelling
a powder that isn't inside a container, and the typo in the close-up appearance)
is that, if the label is showing a countdown, it's broken-- because the
powder can still be used. Alternately, if it's not showing a countdown,
it's lying, which is sort of interesting in and of itself.
a twisted looking paladin doll
The doll has a large spork sticking from between vacant
hazel eyes and a trickle of drool seeping down its chin. It is dressed
in plate armor spattered with what looks like green eggs and ham and wears
a large orange nametag reading "[name deleted]." A key sticks out of
its back.
Category 5: couldn't resist
Now, if anyone asks, you can tell them that sporks
are period in DragonRealms-- you've seen one! (I'm kidding, though
this is a real item... please, please, don't anyone quote me on that.)
Twisted is right.
And another cameo contribution; again, the item and the analysis both come entirely from Lady Nofret.
a moonstone medallion painted with a black wolf
head symbolizing dedication to the Rakash god Mrod
Painted on the back of the medallion is a Rakash man
in the midst of changing form underneath the Katamba moon. A faint outline
of Mrod can be made out in the face of the moon.
Categories 2, 3 and 4--ungrammatical, impossible and
illogical
Three things make this medallion impossible
First, the medallion symbolizes dedication to the Rakash god Mrod...but Mrod has no symbol yet.
Second, Mrod's face is visible in the face of Katamba, the black moon--yet there are no statues or pictures or mosaics of Mrod in game to give the viewer any idea what Mrod looks like. Third--and surely most offensive to a devout worshipper of Mrod--the Mrod medallion is painted with a black wolf head. A logical symbol for a god of wolf-people, surely...except that a black wolf in DragonRealms is the symbol and sacred animal of MERAUD, god of magic and arcane knowledge, not MROD, god of the Rakash people. And according to the GMs of DR, Meraud and Mrod are two separate deities.
As for the illogicity--the medallion is described in such a way as to indication that both front and back are visible at all times. That would be most interesting when someone elected to wear the medallion and the back of it was visible while lying against a doublet or a breastplate.
I also have to mention the phrase "the Katamba moon." "Katamba" is not an adjective; it is a proper noun, the name of that particular moon. You could say "the full moon of Katamba" or "Katamba, the black moon." But "the Katamba moon" is rather awkward.
|
|
|