Rating: PG-13
It has been nearly an hour since Kathryn’s unexpected revelation in sickbay. Fifty-six minutes since I learned not only that my best friend was raped, but that she has been dealing with it on her own for months, living a lie. We all believed in the love story she has told us over and over again. Of her love for Kashyk and how he hurt her when he left.
As I make my way to her quarters part of me thinks I should have realized a long time ago that life is no fairy tale, but I also know I’m not to blame, for none of us had any reason to question her words.
I walk the corridors, mulling over the past hour. The shock of hearing Kathryn’s words in sickbay as she spoke to the mutilated body that once was Kashyk: “You wouldn't stop when I begged you to stop, but now we will stop and I won't even make you beg.” I think those words are etched in my mind forever. And the fright in Kathryn’s eyes as she looked up at me and realized I heard and understood their meaning. She obviously had not planned to reveal the truth.
Before I could say or do anything, she fled sickbay, using her daughter as an excuse. But she did not shut me out, asking to see me later. I told her that I would be with her in an hour, giving the docter time to check me out first. I think we both knew it does not take him nearly that long to run the necessary scans, but I needed the time to sort my thoughts and come to terms with what I learned.
As the docter scanned me my emotions were all over the place. I felt anger. Anger at Kashyk for violating the woman I love. I was angry at Kathryn too, for not telling the truth. For shutting me out once again and carrying the burden all by herself. Hurt and betrayal fought with my anger untill the docter took me into his office.
He has come a long way, being able to read me as he did. As soon as we were alone he started to speak to me.
“Commander.” He said. “Whatever she made you believe, she needed you to believe it badly.”
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“What I mean is that the captain coped with her ordeal in the only way she felt able to. Don’t be angry at her for dealing with things as she did. She needed it to be this way.”
The docter’s stressing of that word finally got the message through to me. This is not about what Kathryn wanted... this is what she needed. The reason why is not important. What is important is that dealt with it in a way that made it bearable for her. And what’s even more important, she trusts me enough to let me in on her dark secret.
With that thought in my mind I ring her door chime and she immediately calls me in. She has put Adelina in her playpen and sits on the couch, her arms wrapped around her tightly as if to protect herself.
I do not sit next to her on the couch as usual, but on the chair opposite to her, giving her some space. She sees my effort for what it is and relaxes slightly.
“I want to thank you Kathryn.”
She obviously had not expected that. She looks at me as if I am speaking a different language. And perhaps for the moment that’s true, so I set out to explain.
“Kathryn, with what happened to you, you have no reason to trust anyone.”
She quickly interrupts me: “I know you won’t hurt me Chakotay.”
“Kathryn, knowing isn’t the same as feeling. You have no reason to trust, and I’m honoured that you do so anyway.”
She relaxes a bit more now, realizing I am not angry at her for living a lie for so long and I continue, telling her that everything she has done so far was right. Once again she looks at me as if she cannot believe a word of it.
“Kathryn, you know best what you can deal with. If going by this love story was what you needed, don’t feel bad about it.”
“Ultimate denial?” She asks me, trying to to find out what I think about her lying to us.
“In a way, perhaps. But I also know how important the image of the Captain is for you. And Adelina. I think you want everyone to see her with the same love you do, not as a reminder of what her father did to you. It all comes together. I’m just glad you don’t feel like you have to pretend with me.”
Her reply is soft, almost a whisper: “I didn’t mean for you to know.”
“Consciously not, that’s for sure. If you had intended for me to know, you wouldn’t have looked like a frightened deer once you realized I had heard and understood. But we both know that if you’d truly wanted it to stay a secret, you would have whispered to him. I think your subconscious made it clear you’ve been handling this by yourself for long enough.”
As I look at my friend sitting in front of me an idea forms in my head.
“Kathryn, can I hold you please?”
She nods and looks up at me as I move to sit next to her, spreading my arms wide. She moves into them, sitting stifly against my side. I close my arms around her and just sit still untill she slowly relaxes into my embrace, her breathing soft and even. She does not cry and I know it is too early for that, but I am glad she accepts this bit of comfort from me.
After sitting in silence like this for quite a while she moves back a bit and I let go, moving my hands to cup her face.
“You thought I was gonna force you to talk about it tonight, didn’t you?”
She hesitates a moment before nodding tearfully at me.
“I just came here to let you know that I am here for you whenever you need me. And also, the decision whether or not to talk to me about what happened is completely yours. No pressure. I just want you to remember that no matter how much or how little you tell me, it does not make a difference to how I feel about you.”
THE
END