Rating: R
The next morning Kathryn woke up to find herself in her own bed. She smiled as she remembered how safe she had felt in Chakotay’s arms. He must have carried her here after she fell asleep.
Adelina started to cry and Kathryn threw off the covers, pulled on a pair of sweat pants and walked to the baby’s crib. After two steps she froze, looking down at the sweat pants she had just donned and realized Chakotay had taken off her uniform when putting her in bed.
Suddenly the walls seemed to close in at her and she felt the blood rushing in her ears. Her chest constricted, the air suffocating her. She gasped for breath as her mind took her where she did not want to go.
“That’s right, Captain, I like my women kicking and screaming.”
“No, don’t do this. Please, Kashyk, I beg you, don’t go through with this. Prax, you can’t let him do this. Stop, please stop. Not like this... never like this, please... stop”
“You cost me those telepaths, Captain, and I demand compensation. Compensation you’re going to give.”
Once more Kathryn felt the pain spread through her as if she was living it now and she fell to her knees, curling herself in as tight a ball as she could manage, not able to fight the images as they rushed at her, one after another. She did not hear little Adelina’s cries. She did not hear anything but Kashyk’s words as he left her: “The bridge is yours. The bridge is yours. The bridge is yours.”
Adelina’s cries did not go entirely unnoticed as Chakotay got ready for duty next door. He was used to the little girl crying in protest when she was hungry now and knew it usually did not take long for her to quiet down as she latched on to Kathryn’s breast.
As the cries continued for more than 10 minutes he got concerned. He tried hailing his friend several times and made his way over when he could not get any reply. As she did not answer her door chime either he entered his override codes and immediately walked to Kathryn’s bedroom where he found Adelina angrily crying in her crib. Her face was bright red and she barely took enough time to take a breath before continuing her frantic wails.
Chakotay picked up the upset baby and called out to Kathryn, searching her quarters for this little girl’s mother. He found her curled up on the floor, unaware of him until he touched her shoulder. Her reaction was instantaneous and violent as she lashed out at him screaming, before returning to her former position. Not knowing what to do Chakotay hailed the Doctor and demanded him to come to the captain’s quarters.
Only seconds later the Doctor materialized in the room and started to run his tricorder over the bawling infant. “She’s alright Doc”, Chakotay said. “Just hungry. Please see to the Captain” and he pointed to where his friend still lay curled up on the floor.
“I came over because Adelina didn’t stop crying,” he explained, “I found her like this. She’s unresponsive but reacted quite violently when I touched her shoulder.” The Doctor scanned the Captain and quickly administered a hypospray to the distraught form on the bedroom floor. Her body relaxed and the Doctor was able to get her back on the bed, leaning her against the pillows after which he pulled the covers back up. He then took the baby from Chakotay and put her in Kathryn’s arms. Her eyes still had a far away look in them, but she seemed to come back a bit as she heard her daughter’s cries. Automatically she lifted up her shirt and placed the angry girl at her breast where she started to suck greedily.
“That was a mild tranquilizer, Commander. I needed to calm her down without knocking her out. The Captain is off duty today though, so I suggest you go take charge of the bridge.”
Chakotay immediately understood the Doctor’s request to have some privacy with his patient and moved to relieve Gamma shift. He looked back once as he exited the bedroom, seeing the Doctor move a chair next to the bed and sitting with Kathryn until she finished feeding Adelina.
While the baby drank the Doctor saw more and more of Kathryn emerge until she finally looked at him. She looked away quickly in embarrassment but the Doctor gently coaxed her to look at him again. When she finally met his eyes he spoke.
“Kathryn, there’s nothing to be embarrassed about. You had a major flashback. Something that’s perfectly normal to experience after what you’ve gone through.”
“You know, don’t you? What happened with Kashyk. You knew all along”. It was more a statement than a question.
The Doctor answered her honestly. “Yes, I knew. I wouldn’t have been much of a doctor if I hadn’t found the recently healed tears at your first prenatal exam.”
“Why didn’t you say something?”, she asked.
“Well, I do remember trying to talk about it. I also recall you shutting me out by stating that you loved him and that it was over.”, the Doctor said.
She hung her head at that, remembering how she could not face anyone knowing the truth then.
“Captain”, he continued, I cannot imagine what you went through. And there are not many counseling subroutines in my program. But I do know that you needed to deal with it in your own way. Yes, I do believe that talking about what happened will be instrumental in your healing. But you continued to function as Captain quite well, so I saw no need to pressure you and force you to do so. I think there was enough force used against you.”
Kathryn just nodded, sending a tear down her cheek before looking up at him. “This morning... it happened all over again. It was like I was there again with him, unable to stop him.”
“It’s called a flashback, Captain. And you’ll probably have others. All I can say is that though they seem very real, they are only memories. They can’t hurt you.”, he explained.
“Isn’t there a way to stop them?”, she asked, not looking forward to reliving those memories again and again.
“No, you can’t”, the Doctor continued. “They will appear less over time and also they will reduce in power. But in the meantime I can teach you some ways to ground yourself in the present, to remind yourself that it’s only a memory and it will pass.”
She quickly answered him: “I’d really like that. But why do they come up now? Why didn’t I have them before? It has been months since it happened.”
“I think it’s because you’ve opened up and started to really deal with what happened. Your clinging to that love story kept you functioning, and at the same time kept you from acknowledging the truth. You were not ready before, but you are now. Having shared your secret has cleared the way and though painful as they are, they are a sign the healing process has started”, the Doctor said.
“It’s also important to find out if there is anything that triggers them. This morning, do you know what caused you to have that flashback?”
After getting his reassurance that he would never repeat anything she said, she told him what happened that morning:
“Last night I had a talk with Chakotay. Well, we didn’t do much talking, but he comforted me and I think I fell asleep, for I woke up in my own bed this morning. Adelina woke up and I got out of bed pulling on a pair of sweat pants to go to her and then I suddenly realized that if I had to pull them on, Chakotay had taken off my clothes last night. I know it’s stupid, for Chakotay would never do any indecent, and he probably just wanted to let me sleep, but the thought of him undressing me made me panic. The walls were coming at me and the air got real thick, I could hardly breathe. Then I felt the pain and I was there again, reliving all of it.”
She had gotten agitated again as she described what happened and Adelina started to fuss, sensing her mother’s distress. The Doctor pulled her out of it with soft hushing sounds and reassurances that she was safe now. When she had calmed once more he tried to convince her she had to tell Chakotay.
“Kathryn, he needs to know. He might feel a bit of guilt for unintentionally causing you distress, but he’ll get over it. It’s more important that he doesn’t do it again. You set the limits here, you’re in control.”
“I’m in control, huh?”, Kathryn said to lighten the mood. “Does that mean I can go on duty when I feel like it?”
“Ofcourse, Captain”, the Doctor replied, sensing her need for normalcy. “But I’d like to suggest you take some time to relax first. You were pretty out of it this morning and I think you’re pretty raw around the edges still. Why don’t you leave the bridge to Commander Chakotay this morning and return to work after lunch?”
“I think I”ll do just that, Doctor” she said. “I’ll take some time to let all of this sink in. A bath might help me do just that.”
“I’ll leave you to it then”, the Doctor said as he made his way out of her quarters. “And don’t hesitate to call if you need anything, even if it’s just to talk.”
“I will remember that”, Kathryn said as she got off the bed and placed her now satisfied daughter back in her cot. As the Doctor left she started to run her bath while contacting Ensign Wildman to look after Adelina that day.
THE
END