Rating: PG-13
It wasn’t until a few days later that Kathryn invited Chakotay to her quarters and he didn’t pretend not to know what it was about. This wasn’t the Captain inviting her First Officer for a work related meeting. This was Kathryn needing her friend and he could never deny her that.
He rang her door chime and entered on her call, finding her sitting nervously on the edge of the couch. As soon as he entered she got up and walked to the replicator, ordering two cups of tea. His eyebrows shot up as he heard her order, but he remained silent. She saw his expression though as she turned around with the two mugs and a small smile appeared around her lips.
“I’m nervous enough as it is, Chakotay. I don’t need caffeine adding to it right now,” she said.
He frowned a little at that, not wanting her to be nervous around him. He soon realized however that she probably wasn’t as nervous to be around him, but more about the upcoming conversation. It was evident to him how much that admission must have cost her. Kathryn Janeway didn’t show what she perceived to be weakness, and to be let in to her world like that was a gift very few people were ever given.
Chakotay took the mug from her hands and sat down on the corner of the couch, leaving the decision up to Kathryn how close she would like to sit. At first she made her way to the chair opposite him but suddenly stopped and turned around, sitting down close to him.
“You don’t mind, do you?” she whispered and he immediately opened his arms for her, letting her settle in his embrace. He felt her tremble slightly but she soon relaxed as she had the first night after he had learned the truth about Kashyk. Leaning her head on his shoulder she softly told him: “I was so sure that now you’ve had time to let everything sink in, you’d reconsider. That you’d be disgusted by me and would never want to touch me again.”
“Never, Kathryn. Never,” he replied as he held her close and then continued talking to her.
“Kathryn, I’ll say it as many times as you need to hear it. There’s no pressure here. You tell me what you want to, nothing more. I don’t mind hearing exactly what happened if you want to tell me, but I don’t need to. Can you understand that? I won’t be angry with you and I won’t be disappointed if you’d keep that too yourself. And that also goes if you’d rather talk with someone else. Someone who’s not so close to you or a woman maybe. All of that makes no difference to me or how I feel about you, ok?”
She answered him by snuggling deeper into his arms. “I understand what you’re saying. I’m not sure I want to share this. Oh, I know I have to eventually…but it’s really hard and I’m just not ready for it.”
Chakotay did a good job hiding his disappointment. No matter how he believed in letting her set the pace, he really had hoped she’d open up to him tonight. “That’s ok. Just know that I’m here for you whenever you need me.”
“I do need you,” Kathryn said. “I need you to just hold me like this sometimes. Your arms keep the demons at bay. And I do need to ask you something.”
“Ask away,” he answered, having a pretty good idea what she wanted to know.
Kathryn moved back a little so she could look at his face. “How can you be so calm about all this? Even that first night when you came to me... I was so sure you’d be angry at me for keeping you in the dark for so long. For lying even. Weren’t you angry?”
“Oh, I was angry alright. Don’t for a minute think I didn’t want to kill him with my bare hands for hurting you. And yes, I was angry at you too, for not trusting me. For shutting me out once again.”
As she heard him say that, she opened her mouth to defend herself, but Chakotay beat her to it, putting his fingers to her lips to stop any words from forming.
“Please let me finish first, Kathryn.” And she nodded.
“I needed to come to terms with that anger. That’s why I took an hour to meet up with you. We both know it doesn’t take the Doctor that long to perform a few scans.”
Kathryn smiled a little at that.
“You really turned my world upside down when I heard you talk to Kashyk. I needed that time to sort myself out, as much as you needed it to come to terms with letting the truth slip in front of me. But I think I’d have stayed angry if the Doctor hadn’t talked to me.”
“The Doctor?” she asked, suddenly apprehensive. “How much does the Doctor know?”
“I’m not sure. You’ll have to ask him yourself. We didn’t really talk about what happened. But if I was able to hear you, it makes sense to assume he did too. I can tell you what he told me though. He said “Commander, whatever she made you believe, she needed you to believe it badly.” So I asked him what he meant, and he answered, “What I mean is that the captain coped with her ordeal in the only way she felt able to. Don’t be angry at her for dealing with things as she did. She needed it to be this way.” And he was right about that, wasn’t he?”
Kathryn nodded at that and settled against him, once more letting out a sigh. “I’ll have to talk with the Doctor tomorrow,” she decided and then continued to relax into the comfort of Chakotay’s arms until he heard her breathing slow and she slipped into a peaceful slumber.
THE
END