Rating: R
Another Time for Truths Ever since her flashback Kathryn felt unsettled. By the memories as well as the fact that she had been so caught up in it she hadn’t even heard her daughter’s cries. That scared her much more than anything else. What if something happened to Adelina? She couldn’t bear that thought. The doctor had agreed to monitor the baby constantly untill she felt better, but that thought did nothing to relax her.
On duty she was fine, using her restlessness to visit the different departments, to run security drills, even to do standard maintenance on the power couplings in the jeffrey’s tubes. It was off duty Kathryn really experienced her inability to slow down.
Each day after her shift ended she took the padds that had been piling up on her desk while she kept herself busy with other things to her quarters where she shared dinner with Chakotay. After dinner they worked through the pile together. While they both could do them in their own quarters, she found comfort in his presence.
Tonight however there were no padds to read and Chakotay was spending his night off in the gym boxing. Kathryn replicated herself some soup after feeding Adelina and putting her to bed. She wasn’t feeling hungry and walked to the viewport to stare at the stars flying by at warp speed, leaving the bowl still half full on the table.
She used to be able to watch the beauty of the colourful streaks outside for hours, but not tonight. Tonight the flashing lights just added to her unrest and she moved to the couch, picking up a book she had been reading. After only half a page she closed the book again, tapping it against her hand as she paced her living room.
After a while she put the book down and made her way to the bathroom, thinking a bath would surely soothe her inner turmoil. She turned on the tap and added some chamomile bath oil, got undressed and slipped into the hot water with a sigh. It didn’t bring the relief she had hoped for though and she found herself standing up again after only a few minutes. Realizing the waste of energy and water she sat back down and closed her eyes.
That was a mistake, as the images rushed at her again. His cocky smile, Prax’ sudden attack, her head hitting the wood of her desk. The pain as he entered her, her laying half naked on the desk afterwards, unable to move.
Kathryn tried to control her breathing and used one hand to hold the rim of the bathtub in an iron grip. Her other hand traced the tiles on the wall, using the touch to keep her in the present, all the while reminding herself it was just a memory and that she was safe now as the doctor had taught her.
The straight lines under her fingertips slowly returned her to the present and the images receded to the back of her mind once more. Kathryn wrapped her arms around her knees, laying her head on them and letting go of a few tears. Even in the sanctuary of her bath the memories would not leave her alone.
Not wanting to spend any more time in the place that brought her another flashback she got out of the bath and rubbed herself dry with a soft towel. She put on a pair of soft sweat pants and a sweater and contacted the doctor.
“Janeway to Doctor”
“Doctor here, Captain. What can I do for you?” came his quick reply. “Could you watch Adelina for me tonight? I know it’s a bit short notice, but Chakotay is in the holodeck and...”
The doctor interrupted her: “Captain, is everything all right?”
“Yes...., no...., well... I am now”, came her hesitant reply.
“Kathryn, did you have another flashback?” His voice was much softer now.
“Yes”, she said. “It wasn’t as bad as before... and the things you taught me really helped.”
“I’m on my way”, the doctor replied. “Do you want me to take something to help you sleep?”
“Actually, I planned on paying a visit to Tuvok. I thought maybe some meditation could help calm my jittery nerves.”
“That might even be a better idea”, he replied. “I’ll be right over.”
As soon as the doctor had entered her quarters and made himself comfortable on the couch Kathryn left for Tuvok’s quarters. She rang the chime and entered when her old friend called her in, hoping he wouldn’t mind her intrusion.
She found Tuvok sitting on the floor, his meditation lamp on a low table in front of him. She kneeled on the other side of the table, looking up at his face that radiated calm. She had not really realized how big her longing for calm was untill she looked in the eyes of her friend.
“I’ve come to seek your counsel, Tuvok”, she said.
“Indeed”, he answered. When she didn’t elaborate, Tuvok continued.
“How can I be of assistance to you, Captain?”
“Kathryn”, she replied quickly. “It’s a personal matter.”
Once again she was silent for a long time. Sensing her difficulty to voice what she needed, he asked her: “What can I do for you, Kathryn?”
“I find it difficult to relax. My mind is in turmoil. I... I thought it might help to try out some meditation techniques with you”, she answered.
“I do think meditation is beneficial my friend. But I have to ask, is there any specific reason for your restlessness?”
“Yes, Tuvok, there is. But I’d rather not talk about it. Yet.”, she offered.
“Kathryn, I need you to be aware that meditation will only get you so far. It won’t be much help if you don’t work on the underlying problem. I will however not pry into what you’re not ready to divulge. You’ll know when the time is right to share your burdens.”
“Thank you my friend”, she said and concentrated on the flame of the lamp.
Sensing her readiness, Tuvok began:
“Close your eyes and follow my voice. Feel your emotions like the wind. Feel them rage wildly through the sky of your being. Feel it beat you from all sides, cutting off your very breath. Can you feel it? Can you feel the storm?”
“Yes, I feel it. It’s wild, savage. Uncontrollable.”
“Don’t try to control it. Let it go. You can’t control the wind. Let it rage around you, feel all of it’s power.”
“I don’t want to. I’m afraid it’s too strong.”
“The storm is not stronger than what is already inside of you. You can’t fight it. All you can do is feel. Feel the turmoil. Feel the strength.”
“I feel it...”
“Be one with the wind. Go where it carries you, blow with all it’s might. Beat the earth beneath you, push up waves in the ocean. Rage, rage on. Bend the trees, batter the houses, toss the ships on the seas around. Feel the power. Be the power.”
“I am the power.”
“Now feel how the wind slowly loses strength. Feel yourself slow down. The hurricane blows itself out into a fierce storm. The storm turns into strong winds. Let your turmoil calm with the wind. Can you feel it slowing down?”
“Yes, it’s calming.”
“The strong wind turns into gusts now, the time between them growing and growing. Calm with the wind. Slow your breathing untill it’s as soft and even as a fresh breeze on a warm day. Feel yourself settle down. Breathe. Feel the calm that’s now inside of you. Breathe and open your eyes when you’re ready.”
Kathryn took a few moments to herself before opening her eyes. She felt amazingly calm as she once more looked up to her old friend’s features.
“Thank you my friend”, she whispered as she got up to her feet. “I think I’ll be able to sleep tonight.”
“Remember what I told you Kathryn. This won’t make it go away”, he said, pointing at the meditation lamp.”
She replied softly: “I know Tuvok. I know. But not today.” After that she left for her own quarters and the first good night sleep she had had in days.