Rating: PG13
Voyager flew through the Delta Quadrant at warp 8. The crew was happy and relaxed, their course leading them through a quiet part of space and they had not met any hostile aliens for the past few weeks. They had not met any aliens for that matter. However long range sensors indicated an M-class planet with a thriving warp capable civilization right on their way. Kathryn hoped to replenish their food supplies and maybe even trade for some technology or minerals they always needed.
As Voyager approached the planet they were hailed from the surface. The captain stood and ordered it on screen. A pleasant looking man appeared on the view screen, humanoid with ridges along his cheekbones. "My name is Manuk, representative of the Roshidian government. Welcome to our space. Please tell us who you are and what brings you to our world."
The captain smiled and replied, "I'm captain Janeway of the Federation starship Voyager. We're from far away and are trying to get home. We were hoping to trade with your people for food, minerals and other items you might have that would help us on our journey."
"Very well captain. I must inform you though we have some strict rules about trade negotiations... certain protocol if you like. I'll send the necessary information to you now."
The captain looked at Harry and got his confirmation they had received the message. "I thank you and hope to see you soon. I'll make sure the landing party will be well informed on your rules regarding trade negotiations. We'll be in orbit around your planet in approximately 12 hours."
"Very well captain. May I wish you 'Anac Surmon' as my people say... Love and happiness."
After the link closed Kathryn ordered Harry to send the message to her terminal in her ready room and handed over the bridge to Chakotay before disappearing into her office. She made a quick stop at the replicator for a cup of coffee and sat down at her desk to familiarize herself with the rules regarding trade on e'Rosh.
For a long while Kathryn stared at the computer screen before standing up and walking over to the viewport. Staring out at the passing stars she contemplated how she could pull this one off. The only way she could think of was that Chakotay must not be on the away team with her. She had kept this secret for so many years and she thought that if he found out she would lose his friendship. For a moment she thought that maybe he would understand, but the risk was too great. She depended on him and she could not bear the thought of him getting angry with her. Or worse... that he would be disgusted by her. No, he could not know.
Having made her decision Kathryn walked back to her desk and selected the members for the away team. She would go of course and B'Elanna too. Besides her being a wonderful chief engineer who knew best what her department needed it would not be too long before her pregnancy would prevent her from leaving the ship. She would certainly appreciate some time planet side. The latter was true as well for ensign Wildman. She had missed the last shore leave because Naomi had been sick. That would be enough justification to add her to the team. And to appease Chakotay she would take Tuvok. It would satisfy her sometimes over-protective first officer if she would take her security chief with her.
An hour later the senior staff had assembled in the briefing room to discuss the coming trade mission. Both B'Elanna and Neelix submitted a list with much needed minerals, food stuffs and other items. The compliment of the away team raised some eye brows, but only Chakotay asked about that. The captain had anticipated his question though and answered that parents and especially mothers held a high status in the Roshidian society and she thought that having parents on the team would increase their likelihood of being successful in the negotiations.
Chakotay accepted the answer on face value and after making sure there were no other concerns, the captain dismissed the meeting, but not before instructing B'Elanna and Sam to take some rest. As her officers left the briefing room Kathryn considered her decisions once again. Tuvok already knew, B'Elanna and Sam would not say anything. If they figured it out at all that was. For so many years she had been able to keep this part of her past a secret and she did not plan on telling them.
Twelve hours later the ship entered a standard orbit. The captain waited in the transporter room for the rest of the away team. B'Elanna and Sam walked in together with only a minute to spare. They chatted a bit while waiting for Tuvok. When the captain checked the time, she noticed Tuvok was two minutes late. That was very unusual, for if he was anything, it was punctual.
She was about to call him over the comm system when Chakotay entered. By the look on his face, she knew he had some bad news. He told her that Tuvok had been severely burned when a power conduit in the turbolift exploded. The Doctor said he would make a full recovery, but that he was in no condition to participate in any negotiations. An engineering team had already been instructed to investigate the incident.
Chakotay moved like he was going to join her and her team on the surface. Kathryn could not come up with any reason why he should not go, not without raising suspicions that is. And there was no way she could back out herself either. So she told him he was welcome to join them on the surface during negotiations, all the while hoping he would not really pay attention to the procedures.
The captain hid her apprehension well from the rest of the team, except for Chakotay of course. He could tell she was uncomfortable about him being there. He asked her if everything was all right and she said she was just worried about Tuvok. He knew it was not the whole truth, but he would not question her in front of the others and let it go. After the team had transported down to the surface the captain and her team were greeted by Manuk. Two other aliens were with him, both women and obviously pregnant. He welcomed the team to the planet and introduced his aides. Then he turned to the captain and asked if she had read the instructions and had assembled the away team accordingly. "Yes, I did", she answered. "However, Tuvok, my chief of security was injured on the ship and had to be replaced at the last minute. This is Chakotay, my first officer. This is Lieutenant B'Elanna Torres, my chief engineer and Ensign Wildman, currently assigned to Sickbay."
Soon the introductions were over and the team was led to a tall building that seemed to play an important role in the Roshidian city. Many official looking people were going up and down the giant stairs that led to the main entrance, either talking with other Roshidians or walking fast with papers or pads under their arms. The captain was quiet as the team climbed the stairs with Manuk and went through the main door.
Immediately after entering the building a security guard walked to their party and asked the women to come with him for scanning. Chakotay looked like he was gonna protest, but the captain told him it was ok. "Remember the protocol", she said and he calmed a bit.
As he saw the women being scanned, he turned to Manuk. "I hope I do not offend you, governor, but I haven't been able to read up on protocol since I had only such short notice before joining the team. Can you please explain to me why the women are being scanned?"
"We scan them to make sure they are mothers as they claim to be. Only women who have given birth or are currently pregnant have status on this planet. Giving birth to and taking care of the young is very important and highly valued on our world. Women only require status by showing they are capable of handling such responsibility. No woman without status would be allowed to talk to a man... let alone be part of negotiations."
Chakotay told the governor he understood, but secretly wondered how Kathryn was gonna react. He was sure she would be rejected as a negotiator. As soon as he had been made first officer, he had read Kathryn's personal files. She did not have children and there was nothing in there at all about her ever being pregnant. She had never taken their relationship beyond the platonic. He knew her 'protocol speech' as he called it by heart and one night stands were not her thing. He was not sure what to be more worried about... his captain's anger for not being able to negotiate or her behavior risking their chances for being successful. She had read the instructions... how could she have beamed down with them, knowing the restrictions that were in place?
As his mind busied itself over these questions he kept half an eye on the rest of the team as they were being scanned. Sam got to be scanned first and the guard was quick to say "acceptable". B'Elanna was next and the guard said "obviously pregnant... acceptable". Then it was Kathryn's turn and she swallowed as she stepped forward. She kept her head high as she was being scanned. She knew her secret was about to come out. Trying to keep her breathing even, she almost missed the guard saying "acceptable".
She did hear the gasps coming from the other two women though as they figured out what was going on and she turned to look at them with a warning in her eyes. Their short nods convinced her that they would not tell anyone about what they had learned. She could not look at Chakotay though and started to move before he could say anything.
Chakotay was shocked to the core. The judgement "acceptable" came as a physical blow to him. He sure never expected this. In his shocked state he could come up with just one explanation: she had to be pregnant now. Now he realized why she had chosen Tuvok to accompany her to the surface. She had not wanted him to come because she did not want him to know. Who was the father? Why did she not want him to know? Why had she not told him she was involved with someone? Those questions and a dozen more whirled around in his head, threatening to overwhelm him. Suddenly he was brought back to the reality of the moment as he felt B'Elanna's hand on his arm. He looked at her for answers, but she shrugged her shoulders. "Don't ask me... ask her", she said as she walked with him to the room where the negotiations were held.
Chakotay swallowed his confusion and anger, jealousy even. He appeared the perfect professional to the others except Janeway and maybe B'elanna. Kahtryn knew he was putting his feelings on hold until later. She could feel the tension coming from him, even if the others could not. What gave him away most though was that he would not meet her eyes. She knew he was angry and that he sure would confront her as soon as they would be back on the ship. She knew she had a lot of explaining to do. The thought crossed her mind that she should have told him earlier. There was no time to dwell on that thought as Manuk started the meeting. She immediately moved those thoughts to the back of her mind and concentrated on the trade negotiations.
The meeting was a great success. The team was able to get the needed food, the necessary minerals and even some star charts for the upcoming journey. All the Roshidians asked in return was they share some of their medical research on bone regeneration and music. All easily to be provided.
Though happy with the outcome of the negotiations, Janeway walked back to the transport site in silence. She knew that once she was back on the ship, she would have to face Chakotay. Strung tight with apprehension she ordered the beam out.
As soon as she materialized she walked out of the transport room and headed to the bridge. She expected Chakotay to stop her or at least request a moment of her time in her ready room and released the breath she had been holding when he did not. If she was lucky she would have some time to prepare herself for the upcoming conversation. Chakotay would come for answers, that was a certainty she had after knowing him for such a long time.
As soon as the captain had left the transporter room Chakotay went to his quarters. He was hurt and angry. He felt betrayed actually. She had always told him she could not get involved with a member of her crew because of protocol and now she had. And that was not all... she had gotten involved but not with him. Of course she had no official obligation to him, but in his mind she had. He knew he had promised her he would be by her side and wait and he had always thought that deep down Kathryn had felt the same. But she obviously did not feel like that anymore. Or had she ever? He was not sure about anything anymore now, except that he was angry and he knew that it would not do much good talking to her now. He would only lash out and hurt her and she did not deserve that. She was still his friend, no matter how betrayed he felt by her at this moment. He needed to talk to his spirit guide.
"You are troubled" were the words his spirit guide used to greet him. "Tell me what weighs so heavy on your heart." Chakotay sat on the ground next to his guide and told him what he had learned on the away mission and how he was in turmoil about it. She told him that not all is as it appears and he found himself back in his quarters. He was confused about the words his guide had spoken to him. It was perfectly clear to him that Kathryn was pregnant. The Roshidian scanners had been obvious. Still not having the answers he needed he realized there was only one way to get them. He had to talk to Kathryn.
After finishing her duty shift Kathryn went back to her quarters feeling nervous. Chakotay had not come to her during her shift, but she was sure he would be at her door soon and she was right. She had just changed into some comfortable clothes when her door chime sounded. She stood with her back to the room at the viewport and took a deep breath before calling out "come".
Chakotay walked into her room and let the door swish shut behind him. He saw her standing with his back to him, staring at the stars passing by, but he was certain she did not actually see any of them. He stood in the middle of the room waiting for her to acknowledge him, but when no reaction came from her he called out her name. She slowly turned around and looked at him. She had expected him to be angry but he did not seem to be. She was not sure how to read his current mood.
"We need to talk, Kathryn. Or actually... I think you need to talk."
"I know", she replied softly as she walked to the couch and sat down. He moved as to sit beside her but she held her hand up. "Please, I'd appreciate it if you'd not sit too close to me. This is very difficult for me to say."
He nodded and sat down across the coffee table in the chair.
As he looked at her, he found her looking vulnerable. He had not seen her like this before. Well, maybe once... on New Earth as she found out nothing of her research equipment was salvageable. "That's one way of letting go", she had said then and at that time he had wished he could take her into his arms to give her comfort. She was still too much the captain then to allow that to happen and he had would never push her, but there was no trace of the captain about her now.
When she did not talk, he asked her the one question that kept running around in his head: "Who, Kathryn?" She looked at him, but quickly moved her eyes to the side. She did not answer and he started to ask her more. "How far along are you? When were you gonna tell me? Are you keeping the child?"...
The questions seemed to flow right out of his mouth, one after the other. He kept on going, giving her no chance to reply until he got to the final question. The one that bothered him the most: "Why not me, Kathryn?" The pain she heard in his voice when he asked that last question made Kathryn get up. She moved to his chair and knelt in front of it. She moved her hands to the sides of his head and gently held his face. She looked him in the eye and said: "I'm not pregnant, Chakotay."
As soon as that statement sank in, he looked at her, the confusion clearly showing in his eyes. "You're not...? But the scans on the planet... How...?"
"I know what the scans showed. They didn't lie. I have once given birth. I have a daughter, Chakotay." Her answer confused him even more. "You have a daughter? Then where is she? And why is there no record of her in your files? What happened to her, Kathryn?"
She moved away from him now and stood again in front of the viewport. He let her, knowing she needed the space between them. It took some time before she started to speak again. "I have a daughter. She should be a young woman by now, but I have no idea where she is. Not because we're so far away, but because I've never seen her since the day she was born. I gave her up for adoption, Chakotay."
She waited for him to get angry. Condemning her for abandoning her child. He stayed silent though, walking behind her and wrapping his arms around her. "That must have been the most difficult decision in your life", he whispered into her ear.
His understanding and gentle support was what broke the dam. Tears started to run down Kathryn's cheeks and her shoulders shook with the sobs that broke free as all of the pent up emotion of the day exploded. Chakotay turned her in his arms and wrapped them around her again as all her grief and guilt suddenly found a way out. He held her for a long time, gently stroking her back and hair while making soothing sounds. When she calmed a bit, he walked her to the sofa where they both sat down. He kept an arm around her and she put her head on his shoulder. She took a shuddering breath before starting to speak again.
"I was very young... an Ensign still. A promising Ensign with a wonderful career in front of her, daughter of an Admiral, smart... no one questioned that I'd be able to get far in Starfleet. That was until the Cardassians..."
Her voice faltered and the tears came back. Chakotay was silent as he tightened his arm around her and used his free hand to wipe away the tears from her face. He knew exactly what the Cardassians were capable of. He himself had experienced it first hand. He did not have to guess what they would do to a young woman.
"Why didn't you terminate the pregnancy when you found out? No one would have begrudged you that."
"I couldn't destroy a life. My child was an innocent victim. I wasn't going to sacrifice her. I couldn't take care of her though. I thought for a while I would be able to, but the trauma was too deep. I didn't want my daughter to suffer because of my problems to deal with it, so I gave her up. It took me a long time before my life started to resemble anything like normal and when it did, I found out all records of her birth were erased from my file. Admiral Paris tried to protect me but in doing so he also took away any chance I had of finding her again."
Kathryn grew silent after that and she let Chakotay hold her. He stroked her brow and asked her why she had not told him before. She explained to him about her shame and how she still felt dirty and used and that she could not deal with his disgust in her. That she could not risk their friendship and how all that seemed so stupid now... "I should have had more faith in you", she said.
"Yes, you should have", he replied.
They both fell silent and Kathryn let his gentle touch lull her to sleep. When he felt her breathing slow he lifted her in his arms and carried her to her bed. He pulled a blanket over her and kissed her softly on her forehead. "Sleep now, Kathryn. You still have a lot of healing to do, but I'll be there for you every step of the way."
THE
END